Facing Down the Tunnel

When I look back, I realize that we started this particular chapter of our journey over a year ago. Last September we took Miss K into the intake appointment for Speech and Language after a referral was placed the month before. Here we are 15 months later and the bulk of the activity has occurred in the last six months.

December 3rd.

That is our outcome appointment with with autism team that will tell us whether our little girl falls on the spectrum or not.

I'm conflicted.

On one hand, no one wants their child to have autism, but on the other hand, given her issues, her being on the spectrum means she'll be able to get support that we couldn't afford to do if we had to do it on our own. And that's huge!

She started nursery in September and it's been amazing to watch her bloom. Her language is progressing dramatically (as we expected it would), and she's participating in groups more than I have ever seen before.  She still freaks out in large groups, and new places have her throwing herself into our arms to be held pretty quickly, but she's better than she used to be.

The thing that hasn't gotten that much better is her meltdowns. There's tantrums... and then there's the meltdowns. Twenty to thirty minutes where she is raging and inconsolable- hitting, kicking, screaming and everything. It's exhausting. And scary, because the rage is directed usually at the one person who's around and telling her no and setting her off. Me.

In those moments I have to become detached, while still providing the comfort she needs and make sure she stays safe.

It's bloody hard!

In those moments it's so difficult to see my child, and it's like someone else stepped in and possessed my child. Disconcerting is one way to describe it.

I'm taking a parenting class. It's part of the Triple P program and I'm doing a level four group class. There classes are small and all of us are dealing with challenges with our children that are above the usual small child troubles.

Lots of people I know knows someone who has a child with autism or works with children with behavioural issues, but to sit in a room and share our frustrations and our loves, and feel it's okay to be at our last and final straw, well, you can't put a price on that. It's immeasurable.

And I am very grateful to have a team of people to work with us right now. Who knows what will happen after the 3rd, but currently we have her GP, her nursery workers (2 key workers plus everyone else), Speech & Language therapist (plus an assistant), Paediatrician, Occupational Therapist and possibly a Educational Psychologist. That's a lot of people!! And I'm grateful for each of them!

We have a physical next week for Miss K, and then it'll be a (in the grand scheme) short wait till the outcome meeting.

Am I nervous? Yes. But I'm also more than ready for this. We need answers and specific help and hopefully we can smooth out the more challenging wrinkles in raising our lovely, funny and bright little girl. Who just turned 4 last month! And whom I registered for school for next year already. Queue overly dramatic mommy faint...

It's been a reminder for me lately just how fleeting life can be, that moments pass before you can process them. It's ever a reminder that as much as we need to plan for the future, we need to live in the moment.

The Assessment Checklist

Spring has finally arrived here; though I should point out that it's still dipping below 0 Celsius at night. With the time change, it's light out at 8pm and after hubby gets back form this trip, I am looking forward to starting my evening runs again.

Yesterday, I met up with a couple friends and their kids and we played in the residential garden at one's townhouse. It's a concept that's quite common here in the UK, where a garden (read: fenced in green space, not necessarily with flowers) can be accessed only by the residents who live around it. My friend has a key that she needs to use to get in and out, so it's safe to let the kids run around without worrying about them getting out, and there are no dogs allowed, so no worries about dog crap in the grass where they play. There are plenty of benches, a small treed area for them to poke about and lots of grass with some hills to slide and roll down.

We took to plopping ourself on the grass and sunning ourselves and pretending it was summer while we chatted and kept an eye on the kids, who were mostly content to kick a ball around or play with the pails and shovels in the gravel walking paths.

Miss K had her hearing test yesterday. It consisted of her sitting at a small table with my behind and one of the technicians in front of her. There was a small wooden tray with holes in it and little wooden people that sat in the holes. On either side were large speakers. The game was that when she heard a tone play, she was to put a person in a hole. they played loud tones, quiet tones, middle, high and low pitched tones. They played them from different speakers too.

She passed with flying colours.

Which is a relief, but means that her issues with sound discrimination and attention are likely related to her likely autism.

But one step done and they told me it was good I got it done because Child Development would have wanted her to have it done anyway.

Yay for being ahead of the game for once!

My girl's 'thoughtful' pose...

Small Steps

The snow is coming down furiously right now, or at least it's being driven incessantly by the strong Scottish wind that prevails around here and is currently making our hovering around zero celsius temps feel several degrees colder (yay for Arctic fronts).

My desire to step out of the house today is about, oh, nil. But that's okay, there are some chores and writing I should do and Miss K is in a decent enough mood that if the snow doesn't stop and we do stay in all day, I think I can keep her occupied fairly easily.

I still feel stuck in my head a bit right now, but I'm calmer than I have been. Resigned a bit perhaps, and I know things will continue to shift (hopefully in a positive direction). I was productive yesterday and got out in the bright sunshine, pushing the stroller with my 16 kilo child up and down the crazy hills around here.

I made it to the nursery I want her to go to, and picked up an application form. The wait list is crazy, but with her extra needs and her age, she will likely get a higher priority. I've also had some reassurance that we should qualify for the 15 hours of free nursery that all Scottish residing children are entitled to from the age of three. I've assumed given our unusual tax status that we didn't qualify, but it's a statutory guarantee so it might work out after all. But I've also come to the conclusion that even if we don't qualify for funding, we will enroll her anyway and figure out the financial end one way or another. She needs the leadup to starting school. They don't have a kindergarten year here, so throwing her into P1 (grade 1) after being at home all the time would be ridiculous given her issues.

So right now it's a matter of getting the application in asap and hoping for the best. I'm hoping she'd get in for the August term, but that might be iffy, so we'll see.

All in all, it's the small pushes that are helping me sort things out. Baby steps.

A Few Notes to Start With

Today is a good day.

It's funny the metrics we use to measure a day, since there are a vast range of descriptors one can use to describe something as varied as a day.

There is much to say and I wasn't sure if I'd get to the point where I'd lay it all down. I mean, I've been writing blog posts in my head at an alarming speed lately but by the time I get around to trying to write them down here there are gone, lost to the minutes and hours of my day with no help from my memory.

I won't do details right now, but I will later. More and more I need to sort out the myriad of stuff going on or else lose my mind.

For now, to start with, I will give you a few bullet points:

-Over the last several months I've been noticed things about my daughter's behaviour that, for lack of a better word, aren't 'typical'. At 3.5 years old, I know 2 year olds who have a more complex vocabulary than she does. I've spoken before about the way when she melts down, she tends to react with kicking and hitting. Add to that screaming and it's not a pretty picture. But all kids this age have tantrums, right?

-Miss K had her speech assessment. She is in the words of our speech therapist, (not surprisingly) "quite delayed".

-The full report paints an interesting picture which she explained to us at the assessment: Miss K's behaviours may indicated autism. In fact at the home visit, the therapist (I'll call her JC) said that not all children who display some autistic behaviours will meet enough of the criteria to fall on the Spectrum. She can't diagnose K herself, but she does believe "it is likely" that she will meet the criteria for a diagnosis on the Spectrum.

-We've been referred to Child Development, who will look at the grand scope of her behaviour and will do the autism assessment.

-Meanwhile, we have an appointment for a hearing test on April 3rd that will help clarify my original concern about possible hearing loss.

-A block of speech therapy appointments are being set up for Miss K at home so that we can work on that side of things.

To say that I'm overwhelmed is an understatement. I, however, am not terribly surprised. There are so many small things that on their own seem like nothing, but when you add them up, paint a very different picture.

My daughter is amazing and lovely. She is also challenging. The moments where she throws herself into my arms for a hug do much to ease the frustration some days and we're working hard to figure out her triggers to make our days more calm.

There are so many resources out there and it quickly gets overwhelming, but bit by bit I'm doing my research and talking to people. Once we have all the testing done, it'll be easier to know where to start. For now, we're talking it one day at a time and trying our hardest to keep our heads above water.

Where I Poke My Head in and Say 'I'm Back'!

It's hard to sum up the last few weeks in a single post, so I won't try. What I can say at the moment is that the trip was amazing and spending time with family and friends over the holidays was simply the best gift we could have received.

Even better was watching Miss K interact with family. She was so happy to have them around and let's face it, all that extra attention and affection.What 3 year old wouldn't soak that up?

I made the decision to not bring my dSLR camera with me so I would actually relax and not spend the whole time behind the lens. We did bring a small digital camera with us but it blurred so many images inside we didn't end up using it much. In a way, I'm not upset in the least as we really did participate in the trip rather than me watching it from a distance.

All in all, it was a very relaxing trip. We spent time in two cities where our families are, and one day in between in Vancouver, where we used to live. We had a couple large get-togethers so did most of our visiting with people then and therefore didn't spend the entire time rushing around trying to visit. It was such a change from how it often was at the holidays.

The flights were... interesting. It actually went very smoothly, but three different planes, a long 9 hr flight over the Atlantic and over 24 hours of travelling each way was exhausting. Miss K did pretty well with it, all told, except for that slight problem where she had discovered how to do up and undo her seatbelt buckle and refusing to leave it on during take off and landing. When we insisted, she'd erupt in a huge tantrum and hubby would have to lean over and hold her with his hand over the buckle until we reach elevation and the seat belt light went off.

Fun times.

One of the biggest changes in recent weeks has been her vocabulary. She is repeating words like crazy and it's amazing how many she comes up with! Furthermore, we are noticing her trying compound words (like pineapple) and using more than one word (apple juice). No real sentences yet, but the improvement inspires hope that she will need little intervention in the end.

There's much more to say, but for now I wanted to say that I'm back and catching up!

Happy New Year. I hope this year brings wonderful things for you all!

Navigating the Waters

Life is a lot like going down a turbulent river in a boat of some kind (raft, canoe, kayak- take your pick). You start at one place and are sent hurtling through rapids, with white water splashing all around and on you. You're trying very hard to hold on to your paddle and kept yourself on course. Sometimes there are other paddlers there with you, but sometimes the specific channel you're navigating is a solo task.

It's hard work! There are moments when you feel you're losing track of the route that leads to your destination, and sometimes you end up on a different part of the river altogether. To be fair, I've never actually been whitewater rafting, but I remember watching the kayakers on the river not too far from where I grew up as a small child and this is how I envision what they were going through.

Sometimes there is so much water spraying around you that you feel like you're going to drown. Your paddle can't seem to steer worth shit and you feel so very helpless. But then the river widens a bit and you hit calmer waters. Suddenly, you can breathe and relax again. Inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale.

I never wrote about my birth story with Miss K. In the aftermath of PPD, I was just trying to keep myself going; and truthfully I still am. But I think back to it every now and again, especially when I am around a newborn and remember those hours.

All told it was a fairly smooth birth and from the time they moved me from triage to a delivery room and the time Miss K was born, five hours passed. 9pm- 2:09 am. Those who have been reading my blog(s) since those days may recall I was having blood pressure issues and was high risk for pre-eclampsia. The decision to induce me a couple days before her due date was made promptly at my OB appt that morning when I came in with a splitting headache and my pressure was 150/90. I was tired, in pain and the thought of trying to manage the headache for however long it took her to decide to come along on her own made me ill.

My OB got the process started by rupturing the membranes that morning. A small detail perhaps, but that kick-started labour all on it's own and by the time I arrived at the hospital that evening, I was in labour. A couple hours later, as we were watching the contractions on the monitor, we noticed they were consistent. They moved me into the delivery room at the same time as my parents arrived, fresh off their  ferry and mad dash to make it from one city to another to be there.

I had back labour. Horrible, painful back labour due to her laying on her side. Because of my blood pressure, they had me hooked up to monitors and had a fetal monitor on K. I had to stay on my back because every time I shifted into a different position (like I desperately wanted to), they would lose her heart rate. After a couple of hours of this, I was in tears because the pain meds did nothing and I was exhausted from the all day migraine. They suggested, and I accepted an epidural... quite happily I might add. I could have done without the contraction that happened right as the anesthesiologist was inserting the needle though.

The part of this story that made me think of the river metaphor was when during the last parts of delivery I gave up. I was tired and pushing was harder than I ever imagined. The epidural helped a great deal but also softened the intense awareness I have of my own body. It's hard to trust your body to do what it needs to in that instance. I don't remember all the details vividly, but I do remember saying that I couldn't do it, I couldn't do anymore. It didn't feel like I was accomplishing anything. The nurse (or was it the resident?) did the one thing I will forever be grateful for. She paused everything and made me touch K's head. I had no idea had close we were to her actually being out, and in that one moment when I could so easily touch the top of her head I was thoroughly humbled. Yes, I could do this since I
was doing it!

It was that calmer part of the river, where I could breath, where I could evaluate where I was and see where I had to go next. It was also essential, I think, for me a woman who had lost two pregnancies, to see that yes, the baby that had been moving inside of me was actually real!

In fact, when the next contraction came and I continued pushing, I was resolved. I was going to do anything and everything to see this through. I was a bit... um... overenthusiastic in fact, as evidenced by how quickly she came out. The joke is that the resident needed a catcher's mitt, lol. None of it mattered though once they placed her on me. But my first thought was 'a real baby'?!

She was real.

I was thinking about that moment the other day when walking home. I've been doing a lot of reflecting lately in fact. These last couple of years have been extremely turbulent and this time two years ago, we were preparing to move out of our apartment in Vancouver and move in with hubby's parents because with no money and no job on the horizon we couldn't pay rent or any of our bills. We were broke, having spent the last of our savings on that month's rent and food.

Here we are two years later and I'm writing from a flat in Scotland. Scotland! It still boggles my mind, truly. I don't know if it'll ever really sink in or not, but I guess I have three years to find out.

Right now, in this moment, I'm in calmer waters. They are certainly moving swiftly though, but it's calm. I know what's ahead of us in the next couple of months and for now, that's all I need to focus on. In 27 days we fly home for Christmas. 20 days of time with both our families and I can't wait!

In other good news, a few days ago I officially walked out of a bank with a bank account of my very own. Which (gulp!) means that I can start my business. I won't start until we come back from our trip though, as there's not enough time to ramp up and get things going before we leave. But I have to say, after this year's ups and downs, this crucial piece of the puzzle feels rather anticlimactic. Calmer waters indeed. I have work to do, but there's no great rush, and I'm going to enjoy this breather while it lasts, because the rapids are looming again. It's going to get busy, and I doubt I'm truly prepared, but I've got my paddle in hand and am ready to go.

The glass is actually full...

One Day at a Time

Pardon me while I flop down tiredly with my cup of tea.

Miss K and I got back from a rather long walk this afternoon.  It was like most of the days here lately where the rain is light be ever present and just looking outside makes you feel depressed. I'm bracing myself since I know rain is in the forecast for another few days.

Our letting agent came by for a an inspection, which meant that though I was sure as hell not cleaning the flat top to bottom for a five minute chat, I did at least feel compelled to tidy and vacuum the carpets. Not that the vacuum really sucks up anything. Just enough to make it look a little better but not enough to actually clean the carpets. This annoys me to no end, especially with a three year old around who's always playing on those carpets. But in this rental living game I've learned some important lessons and one of those is to pick your battles.

In this case it means though while my comments and list of things wrong with the place is as long as my arm, in reality I only mention the top three in hopes that they might actually get taken care of. If we're lucky.

This time it was a repeat of all three of the things I mentioned before: Our sinking bathtub, the foot board for the cupboards that needs cutting and reinstalling so it's not laying on our kitchen floor by our feet, and the awful mattresses. He really seems to be on top of them this time, but I think I won't get my hopes up. I know a lot of it depends on the owner, and it's probably unlikely the owner probably hasn't set foot in the place in years to know what really needs help, so this is where our intermediary letting agent comes in, right? Maybe. We'll see.

In any case, the flat is clean, I baked banana bread and made lunch and then we went for a walk. Stepping out into the misting rain, I pegged the temperature at about 4 degrees C. It was definitely chilly and so I was glad Miss K cooperated enough to let me put a hat and gloves on. She however is refusing to let us put on her winter jacket since if she goes in the stroller, she can't put her arms in the straps. She likes doing that a great deal, so goodness knows what happens when it snows and she doesn't want to walk.

We walked down to the River Clyde and on the approach to the river I was kicking myself for not bringing my camera or my phone. The river was rather still and glossy, creating near perfect reflections. Considering how rare this was, my eye was snapping pics in my head and I pouted to myself.

Despite the rain it was a fairly enjoyable walk, once we got passed the part where Miss K insisted on going to the Science Centre and we couldn't because our passes had expired and we won't be renewing them until after the new year. If we head anywhere near there and we just walk by, she freaks out. I felt for her truly because I would have loved to have taken her this afternoon, but it wasn't going to happen. C'est la vie. We had to settle for the active (and free) walk.

You'll notice that we went out in the afternoon. Yes, that can only mean one thing: she's stopped napping. What began when she was sick a couple weeks ago has continued and no amount of trying can get her down for a nap.

It's an adjustment for both of us because I felt like I lost that time I needed to do anything, like write, or bake, or clean, or more importantly some days, nap. Last week I figured out what her energy levels were like and I've learned she works best when she is very active in the morning and then in the afternoon she is then happy to do quiet things and even curl up on the couch. She may not nap, but she rests and I can actually do something. Which is how I'm writing this post right now.

I'm slowly building an arsenal of activities to keep her busy in anticipation of the many days where it's too wet to play outside and I can't afford to do extra things at indoor places. We know which museums we can go to within easy walking distance, but to be honest I can't go there all the time. It gets boring. However, I am lucky to have made some friends and hopefully there are play dates in the future.

Part of this shift has been realizing just how much activity she needs and also how to balance the quiet time for both our sakes. We can't go, go, go for 8 hours straight, so working out a good balance is key.

In other news, her vocabulary is improving, so one can only hope that she will find her words sooner rather than later to ease her frustration. This week has been far better than last week, and I attribute that to her not being sick and to us adjusting to the no-nap scenario.

I'm exhausted most days though, and barely have time to do any of the creative things I love. I know it will get there, but it's frustrating too. I also had a three-day headache over the weekend and that was frustrating because we had some nice days and all I wanted to do was go out with my camera.

Speaking of which, naturally now that I'm inside, the rain has stopped and the sun was poking out a little. Yeah, so not cool. But it's too late to go out again and I need to go make pizza dough for dinner, which got so much easier to make when I figured out how to get it not to stick to my pan and now that I own a rolling pin.

Simple things.

Holding On

I keep trying to start this post but as usual lately, the words aren't coming out well. I type a sentence and then delete it.

Miss K has stopped napping and I just have not adjusted to being on the entire day. It's exhausting. I know it's a phase and it will pass, but this on top of a cold going around the household means that I am not sleeping well.

Poor sleep = fibro + mood issues.

Add on top of that dealing with a three year old (and all the behavioural quirks) whom also has speech/language issues, and by the time 4 pm rolls around, I'm ready to curl up in a corner and admit defeat. But then there is something called dinner.

- - - - - - - - - - - -

I called Speech & Language today to see where we were at with the assessment. We're still on the waiting list and currently they are processing assessment requests from those who were referred to S&L back in March. Our referral was in August. So if they stay on that schedule, it will be around April before she gets her assessment!

With the speech issues comes difficulties with her behaviour. She's frustrated, I get that, but she lashes out by hitting, kicking and throwing stuff at us. We're doing the best we can to not get angry, but I'm rather tired of being a piñata. I hate losing my cool, but it seems to happen more often than I like.

Anyone else dealt with a three year old with speech/language issues? I could use some coping ideas until we get our assessment and know more about exactly what Miss K's issues are. Also, activities that are good for her that don't cost much (if any) money and don't rely on being outside. She's not good with lots of directions, and it's often rainy here.

I have all these other posts I've been wanting/trying to write but I just can't seem to get there. Until I'm coping better, they're going to have to wait.

Letting Go

Continuing the trend of 'aha' moments, I've been working on trying to cope with the terror than can be a three year old. As a friend on Facebook mentioned, gone is the terrible twos, she now has a 'threenager' on her hands. An apt description if I ever heard it. It's not just about this small child of mine testing boundaries, now she pressing buttons and crossing lines because she can and because she knows it gets a reaction out of me. Not to mention the blood-curdling screaming that erupts out of nowhere when she doesn't get her way.

Insert proper time outs.

We had tried it before but it wasn't working. Now that she's a little bit older and comprehending a bit more (we think), they are more effective, if not to truly correct the behaviour, but to diffuse the situation, especially when tempers run high. There's only so many times in a day when I can be slapped  before I want to hide out in another room. A difficult feat in such a small apartment when she can get into too many things.

Have I mentioned that she can now open any door? We won't get into the other day when she decided to leave the apartment while I was in the bedroom getting dressed. The lock system is such that we have to use a key to lock it, or put up the chain (which requires remembering to remove before your spouse comes home lest they think they're being locked out).

It's most definitely a test in patience, and I'm finding myself on the edge quite often. I'd be surprised if mothers of young children don't all have high blood pressure. In any case, the time outs are smoothing things out a bit.

The other side of this age is the creativity and crazy things they do for the sheer fun of it. Lots of times I laugh (instant blood pressure relief) but other times I just get frustrated because we don't own this place or most of the contents. Our living space is also our eating space, so you can imagine how frustrating it is to deal with spills on a crappy old carpet. There are days I'm glad for its dark green colour (some odd blend of forest green and teal). Luckily for us the place and stuff within wasn't in the greatest condition to begin with, so with some good cleaning we can hopefully get our damage deposit back when we move out.

This morning was another one of those strange moments where I was getting really frustrated with her, but also had a lightbulb go on. She loves the creative kids shows. There's a craft type show and a kids cooking show she really likes and we can watch her fiddle with stuff to mimic them. We'd be happier if she'd stick to pretend cooking for the moment, rather than 'mixing' her juice and pouring it all over the table and floor. Not fun to clean up, and not good for our tight budget.

I realized though this morning that somewhere within this all is a solution that will work for us, because there is the realization that our little girl has a wonderfully creative mind and I in no way want to quash that. I am an artist myself, and my husband is creative in his own way as well (musically inclined). I want to let her play and experiment, but somehow we need to find a way to do that that isn't at the expense of our furnished flat and doesn't cost a lot of money. I'm trying to see if we can swing an art or music class but so many of them around here are pricey.

Things to mull over as I do some short and long term planning.

Three Years

Baby girl is three! How did that happen?

Actually, if I really stop to look back I do remember the last three years, and boy have they been a whirlwind. I certainly never imagined back in the days before I had my daughter just how joyful it would be and also how many tears there would be.

I have a preschooler. This is the point where I faint, right? But I'm looking over at her playing and can't help but smile. She is this little person who has such a clear personality already and it really amazes me. She's very funny and bright, running through life at full speed with great joy, and yet she can be quietly intense when she's playing on her own, showing independence to a high degree. She shows moments of pure sweetness that melts your heart.

Most times I can't stay mad at the things she does, though goodness knows there are days when I'm at my wits end! Suffice to say, I am content with things and despite all the trials (surely more to come), I know that she is a happy girl and no parent can ask for more.

We decided to cancel the party we were going to throw for her, which in hindsight turned out to be very wise. There has been so much stress lately and a party would have put me over the edge. At this point in her life, Baby Girl doesn't know what birthdays are, so it wasn't like she would be disappointed. In the end, we did something small here and yesterday had a couple of her friends over for a playdate and to share in the cupcakes I made. It was manic, but a lot of fun for everyone.

Three years of changes! Hmmm, reminds me how much I miss my red hair...

Chocolate cupcakes with vanilla-raspberry buttercream. I'm getting my buttercream recipe down to an art.

Look mama, no hands!