Narcissus and daffodils... is there anything more indicative of spring that can make me smile? One large bouquet is divided between two vases. A bouquet that, as is tradition in April for me, was bought to support cancer research.
Showing posts with label Photography. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Photography. Show all posts
Friday, April 5, 2013
Sweet Scent of Spring
The scent is wafting through the flat, pervasive and yet I only actively notice it here and there.
Narcissus and daffodils... is there anything more indicative of spring that can make me smile? One large bouquet is divided between two vases. A bouquet that, as is tradition in April for me, was bought to support cancer research.
Narcissus and daffodils... is there anything more indicative of spring that can make me smile? One large bouquet is divided between two vases. A bouquet that, as is tradition in April for me, was bought to support cancer research.
Wednesday, November 21, 2012
Navigating the Waters
Life is a lot like going down a turbulent river in a boat of some kind (raft, canoe, kayak- take your pick). You start at one place and are sent hurtling through rapids, with white water splashing all around and on you. You're trying very hard to hold on to your paddle and kept yourself on course. Sometimes there are other paddlers there with you, but sometimes the specific channel you're navigating is a solo task.
It's hard work! There are moments when you feel you're losing track of the route that leads to your destination, and sometimes you end up on a different part of the river altogether. To be fair, I've never actually been whitewater rafting, but I remember watching the kayakers on the river not too far from where I grew up as a small child and this is how I envision what they were going through.
Sometimes there is so much water spraying around you that you feel like you're going to drown. Your paddle can't seem to steer worth shit and you feel so very helpless. But then the river widens a bit and you hit calmer waters. Suddenly, you can breathe and relax again. Inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale.
I never wrote about my birth story with Miss K. In the aftermath of PPD, I was just trying to keep myself going; and truthfully I still am. But I think back to it every now and again, especially when I am around a newborn and remember those hours.
All told it was a fairly smooth birth and from the time they moved me from triage to a delivery room and the time Miss K was born, five hours passed. 9pm- 2:09 am. Those who have been reading my blog(s) since those days may recall I was having blood pressure issues and was high risk for pre-eclampsia. The decision to induce me a couple days before her due date was made promptly at my OB appt that morning when I came in with a splitting headache and my pressure was 150/90. I was tired, in pain and the thought of trying to manage the headache for however long it took her to decide to come along on her own made me ill.
My OB got the process started by rupturing the membranes that morning. A small detail perhaps, but that kick-started labour all on it's own and by the time I arrived at the hospital that evening, I was in labour. A couple hours later, as we were watching the contractions on the monitor, we noticed they were consistent. They moved me into the delivery room at the same time as my parents arrived, fresh off their ferry and mad dash to make it from one city to another to be there.
I had back labour. Horrible, painful back labour due to her laying on her side. Because of my blood pressure, they had me hooked up to monitors and had a fetal monitor on K. I had to stay on my back because every time I shifted into a different position (like I desperately wanted to), they would lose her heart rate. After a couple of hours of this, I was in tears because the pain meds did nothing and I was exhausted from the all day migraine. They suggested, and I accepted an epidural... quite happily I might add. I could have done without the contraction that happened right as the anesthesiologist was inserting the needle though.
The part of this story that made me think of the river metaphor was when during the last parts of delivery I gave up. I was tired and pushing was harder than I ever imagined. The epidural helped a great deal but also softened the intense awareness I have of my own body. It's hard to trust your body to do what it needs to in that instance. I don't remember all the details vividly, but I do remember saying that I couldn't do it, I couldn't do anymore. It didn't feel like I was accomplishing anything. The nurse (or was it the resident?) did the one thing I will forever be grateful for. She paused everything and made me touch K's head. I had no idea had close we were to her actually being out, and in that one moment when I could so easily touch the top of her head I was thoroughly humbled. Yes, I could do this since I
was doing it!
It was that calmer part of the river, where I could breath, where I could evaluate where I was and see where I had to go next. It was also essential, I think, for me a woman who had lost two pregnancies, to see that yes, the baby that had been moving inside of me was actually real!
In fact, when the next contraction came and I continued pushing, I was resolved. I was going to do anything and everything to see this through. I was a bit... um... overenthusiastic in fact, as evidenced by how quickly she came out. The joke is that the resident needed a catcher's mitt, lol. None of it mattered though once they placed her on me. But my first thought was 'a real baby'?!
She was real.
I was thinking about that moment the other day when walking home. I've been doing a lot of reflecting lately in fact. These last couple of years have been extremely turbulent and this time two years ago, we were preparing to move out of our apartment in Vancouver and move in with hubby's parents because with no money and no job on the horizon we couldn't pay rent or any of our bills. We were broke, having spent the last of our savings on that month's rent and food.
Here we are two years later and I'm writing from a flat in Scotland. Scotland! It still boggles my mind, truly. I don't know if it'll ever really sink in or not, but I guess I have three years to find out.
Right now, in this moment, I'm in calmer waters. They are certainly moving swiftly though, but it's calm. I know what's ahead of us in the next couple of months and for now, that's all I need to focus on. In 27 days we fly home for Christmas. 20 days of time with both our families and I can't wait!
In other good news, a few days ago I officially walked out of a bank with a bank account of my very own. Which (gulp!) means that I can start my business. I won't start until we come back from our trip though, as there's not enough time to ramp up and get things going before we leave. But I have to say, after this year's ups and downs, this crucial piece of the puzzle feels rather anticlimactic. Calmer waters indeed. I have work to do, but there's no great rush, and I'm going to enjoy this breather while it lasts, because the rapids are looming again. It's going to get busy, and I doubt I'm truly prepared, but I've got my paddle in hand and am ready to go.
It's hard work! There are moments when you feel you're losing track of the route that leads to your destination, and sometimes you end up on a different part of the river altogether. To be fair, I've never actually been whitewater rafting, but I remember watching the kayakers on the river not too far from where I grew up as a small child and this is how I envision what they were going through.
Sometimes there is so much water spraying around you that you feel like you're going to drown. Your paddle can't seem to steer worth shit and you feel so very helpless. But then the river widens a bit and you hit calmer waters. Suddenly, you can breathe and relax again. Inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale.
I never wrote about my birth story with Miss K. In the aftermath of PPD, I was just trying to keep myself going; and truthfully I still am. But I think back to it every now and again, especially when I am around a newborn and remember those hours.
All told it was a fairly smooth birth and from the time they moved me from triage to a delivery room and the time Miss K was born, five hours passed. 9pm- 2:09 am. Those who have been reading my blog(s) since those days may recall I was having blood pressure issues and was high risk for pre-eclampsia. The decision to induce me a couple days before her due date was made promptly at my OB appt that morning when I came in with a splitting headache and my pressure was 150/90. I was tired, in pain and the thought of trying to manage the headache for however long it took her to decide to come along on her own made me ill.
My OB got the process started by rupturing the membranes that morning. A small detail perhaps, but that kick-started labour all on it's own and by the time I arrived at the hospital that evening, I was in labour. A couple hours later, as we were watching the contractions on the monitor, we noticed they were consistent. They moved me into the delivery room at the same time as my parents arrived, fresh off their ferry and mad dash to make it from one city to another to be there.
I had back labour. Horrible, painful back labour due to her laying on her side. Because of my blood pressure, they had me hooked up to monitors and had a fetal monitor on K. I had to stay on my back because every time I shifted into a different position (like I desperately wanted to), they would lose her heart rate. After a couple of hours of this, I was in tears because the pain meds did nothing and I was exhausted from the all day migraine. They suggested, and I accepted an epidural... quite happily I might add. I could have done without the contraction that happened right as the anesthesiologist was inserting the needle though.
The part of this story that made me think of the river metaphor was when during the last parts of delivery I gave up. I was tired and pushing was harder than I ever imagined. The epidural helped a great deal but also softened the intense awareness I have of my own body. It's hard to trust your body to do what it needs to in that instance. I don't remember all the details vividly, but I do remember saying that I couldn't do it, I couldn't do anymore. It didn't feel like I was accomplishing anything. The nurse (or was it the resident?) did the one thing I will forever be grateful for. She paused everything and made me touch K's head. I had no idea had close we were to her actually being out, and in that one moment when I could so easily touch the top of her head I was thoroughly humbled. Yes, I could do this since I
was doing it!
It was that calmer part of the river, where I could breath, where I could evaluate where I was and see where I had to go next. It was also essential, I think, for me a woman who had lost two pregnancies, to see that yes, the baby that had been moving inside of me was actually real!
In fact, when the next contraction came and I continued pushing, I was resolved. I was going to do anything and everything to see this through. I was a bit... um... overenthusiastic in fact, as evidenced by how quickly she came out. The joke is that the resident needed a catcher's mitt, lol. None of it mattered though once they placed her on me. But my first thought was 'a real baby'?!
She was real.
I was thinking about that moment the other day when walking home. I've been doing a lot of reflecting lately in fact. These last couple of years have been extremely turbulent and this time two years ago, we were preparing to move out of our apartment in Vancouver and move in with hubby's parents because with no money and no job on the horizon we couldn't pay rent or any of our bills. We were broke, having spent the last of our savings on that month's rent and food.
Here we are two years later and I'm writing from a flat in Scotland. Scotland! It still boggles my mind, truly. I don't know if it'll ever really sink in or not, but I guess I have three years to find out.
Right now, in this moment, I'm in calmer waters. They are certainly moving swiftly though, but it's calm. I know what's ahead of us in the next couple of months and for now, that's all I need to focus on. In 27 days we fly home for Christmas. 20 days of time with both our families and I can't wait!
In other good news, a few days ago I officially walked out of a bank with a bank account of my very own. Which (gulp!) means that I can start my business. I won't start until we come back from our trip though, as there's not enough time to ramp up and get things going before we leave. But I have to say, after this year's ups and downs, this crucial piece of the puzzle feels rather anticlimactic. Calmer waters indeed. I have work to do, but there's no great rush, and I'm going to enjoy this breather while it lasts, because the rapids are looming again. It's going to get busy, and I doubt I'm truly prepared, but I've got my paddle in hand and am ready to go.
 |
| The glass is actually full... |
Thursday, October 25, 2012
Turning on the Light
Have you ever had a moment of true epiphany? I mean, not just a small 'aha' moment, but one that brings you such clarity that you are stunned you never figured it out before?
I just had mine.
Or at least, one of a couple I've had in my life so far. This time though, it's not just an agent of change but one that compliments the track my mind was on anyway.
I've done a few different jobs before. I've done food service, worked as a receptionist at various places for years, been an event planner, admin assistant and project manager. I've chaired meetings and co-chaired committees.
In all the work I've done, there are two things I've come to understand about myself in my life circumstances:
1. I need to work with people.
2. I need to work for myself.
Number two I instinctively understood after I became a stay-at-home mom. Working as I had been before was insanely stressful and not good for my health. And the thought of returning to the office work world was not something I cared for.
Now, as I've been talking about for awhile, I have been working towards making photography a source of income for me, moving from amateur to professional. Being self-taught means it's a long process and sometimes a frustrating one, but I really do love it. I can (and do) spend hours reading and immersing myself in educating myself. Putting it into practice is another thing, and while most of the time I can, equipment limitations mean I simply can't go out and 'try' what I've just learned. Inevitably I'll have to re-read that part again when I do get the equipment, but for now I'm enjoying the learning. It's like being in school without the exams and stress.
At some point, I'll actually pay for my continuing education too. I have my eye not only on some amazing online resources for photography and the business of, but also taking workshops and classes here and there to really get to work on some new skills.
So, we come back to my two points earlier above. What about number two in all of that? Well, as it happens, my epiphany happened earlier this month when a friend asked me to do some photos of her family before they moved back to the States. She would pay me for them.
Insert nervous smile.
Now, I love taking pictures of people. One of my favourites (that don't include my daughter) is one of my one of bosses at a golf tournament. He was chatting with a group of friends and someone said something really funny. He clapped his hands together and threw his head back laughing. 'Click' went my shutter. It was a beautifully candid moment where you really got to see him. I treasure that photo even more now, because I can understand a lot about myself by the mere fact that I not only was aware enough to take the image, but that it meant something to myself and the rest of my colleagues. Because it was of someone we cared about. It moved me.
Now, I always wanted to be able to make photography my career, but it just wasn't the right time. Now however, things are different. I have the freedom to take things as they need to in order to do it right.
Back to people. This portrait session changed my outlook entirely. Before, I eschewed doing portraits, not because I didn't like them, but because I didn't think I could make it work for us given my limitations (no vehicle or plans to get one and hubby's travelling makes booking dates difficult for me since I really can't afford any childcare right now).
This session was last minute. We had originally been planning on the 14th (K's birthday) since hubby was home from his second trip to Chicago, and he could watch K. But weather is fickle here. When you get good weather you better pounce on it! So on the 5th I get a text from my friend. "Can you do Sunday?" Gulp. The weather was supposed to be gorgeous. Hubby was leaving on Saturday.
Now I had another friend who had offered to watch K if something came up ever. So a mad series of texts later and I established that, yes I had someone to watch K and yes I could do Sunday. I had already sent her the pricing list I spent a long time working on (and was happy with).
Everything came together in ways I just hadn't expected and on that day, I was a bit nervous, so I left home early and walked through the park where we would be doing the shoot so I could do some shooting without any pressure and just relax. It worked.
By the time I arrived, they were almost ready and I was cheerful and as prepared as I was going to be. I had done some previous research into poses for families and had a good idea about what I wanted to achieve.
It was amazing! No, it wasn't a flawless shoot. It was a family of four with a 2.5 year old and a 10 month old, so there were tantrums and fidgeting and most 'posing' didn't work. I went with it, never once feeling stressed. I trusted my gut, double checked myself and and did what I had to do. We took breaks when we needed to for the kids and really, having a three year old, I could sympathize.
Best of all was when I was uploading the images. Watching them appear, I was holding my breath and then I had to laugh at myself because they were better than I had imagined! In editing, I instinctively went for a certain style, which means not only do I know what my style is, but I'm being consistent about it. (sort of important for a professional!)
Bu then came the sales session where I got to show them their images. Boy was I nervous. Would they love them? Hate them? They only wanted one image they could give to their families for Christmas. I had a sneaking suspicion (and hope) that it would be a tough choice.
They loved them. One of my favourites was one alone of her. She hates images of herself alone, but I saw this one and said to myself, "She's so pretty!" In the session, I told her as much. "Look how beautiful you are here!" The look on her husband's face told me he agreed!
The next step came ordering prints. After a couple missteps (won't make those mistakes again!), I had prints in my hand to give to her. Yes, I was nervous again. I was doubting myself, because at the end of the day, I am my own worst critic and I critique my images far more harshly than most people will. It was very easy to bring myself down.
Yesterday, I was going through the archives on a photography blog I love, and came across a vlog series on starting a photography business. The final one spoke to me in a real way and made me stop and think about why I was doubting myself and trying to see my work through the eyes of others. When I handed over the prints, my friend really liked them, and once again confirmed they would be ordering more with their families. That's huge!
I keep coming back to that session in my head and realizing that I was absolutely in my element. I have a lot to learn, but this is a part of what I want to do. I know small groups (families, couples etc.) are my niche. I can't, and won't do, weddings for the sheer stress and the fact that my chronic illness would hate me for it.
The details are coming together, and what I've realized is that as much as I desperately want to jump in with both feet, it's not an inexpensive profession! The start up costs are significant (at least for my husband and I who are living on the edge). Baby steps are needed here. It will come together, but I need to be patient.
Though, try telling inspiration to be patient. It's not as easy as it seems.
I just had mine.
Or at least, one of a couple I've had in my life so far. This time though, it's not just an agent of change but one that compliments the track my mind was on anyway.
I've done a few different jobs before. I've done food service, worked as a receptionist at various places for years, been an event planner, admin assistant and project manager. I've chaired meetings and co-chaired committees.
In all the work I've done, there are two things I've come to understand about myself in my life circumstances:
1. I need to work with people.
2. I need to work for myself.
Number two I instinctively understood after I became a stay-at-home mom. Working as I had been before was insanely stressful and not good for my health. And the thought of returning to the office work world was not something I cared for.
Now, as I've been talking about for awhile, I have been working towards making photography a source of income for me, moving from amateur to professional. Being self-taught means it's a long process and sometimes a frustrating one, but I really do love it. I can (and do) spend hours reading and immersing myself in educating myself. Putting it into practice is another thing, and while most of the time I can, equipment limitations mean I simply can't go out and 'try' what I've just learned. Inevitably I'll have to re-read that part again when I do get the equipment, but for now I'm enjoying the learning. It's like being in school without the exams and stress.
At some point, I'll actually pay for my continuing education too. I have my eye not only on some amazing online resources for photography and the business of, but also taking workshops and classes here and there to really get to work on some new skills.
So, we come back to my two points earlier above. What about number two in all of that? Well, as it happens, my epiphany happened earlier this month when a friend asked me to do some photos of her family before they moved back to the States. She would pay me for them.
Insert nervous smile.
Now, I love taking pictures of people. One of my favourites (that don't include my daughter) is one of my one of bosses at a golf tournament. He was chatting with a group of friends and someone said something really funny. He clapped his hands together and threw his head back laughing. 'Click' went my shutter. It was a beautifully candid moment where you really got to see him. I treasure that photo even more now, because I can understand a lot about myself by the mere fact that I not only was aware enough to take the image, but that it meant something to myself and the rest of my colleagues. Because it was of someone we cared about. It moved me.
Now, I always wanted to be able to make photography my career, but it just wasn't the right time. Now however, things are different. I have the freedom to take things as they need to in order to do it right.
Back to people. This portrait session changed my outlook entirely. Before, I eschewed doing portraits, not because I didn't like them, but because I didn't think I could make it work for us given my limitations (no vehicle or plans to get one and hubby's travelling makes booking dates difficult for me since I really can't afford any childcare right now).
This session was last minute. We had originally been planning on the 14th (K's birthday) since hubby was home from his second trip to Chicago, and he could watch K. But weather is fickle here. When you get good weather you better pounce on it! So on the 5th I get a text from my friend. "Can you do Sunday?" Gulp. The weather was supposed to be gorgeous. Hubby was leaving on Saturday.
Now I had another friend who had offered to watch K if something came up ever. So a mad series of texts later and I established that, yes I had someone to watch K and yes I could do Sunday. I had already sent her the pricing list I spent a long time working on (and was happy with).
Everything came together in ways I just hadn't expected and on that day, I was a bit nervous, so I left home early and walked through the park where we would be doing the shoot so I could do some shooting without any pressure and just relax. It worked.
By the time I arrived, they were almost ready and I was cheerful and as prepared as I was going to be. I had done some previous research into poses for families and had a good idea about what I wanted to achieve.
It was amazing! No, it wasn't a flawless shoot. It was a family of four with a 2.5 year old and a 10 month old, so there were tantrums and fidgeting and most 'posing' didn't work. I went with it, never once feeling stressed. I trusted my gut, double checked myself and and did what I had to do. We took breaks when we needed to for the kids and really, having a three year old, I could sympathize.
Best of all was when I was uploading the images. Watching them appear, I was holding my breath and then I had to laugh at myself because they were better than I had imagined! In editing, I instinctively went for a certain style, which means not only do I know what my style is, but I'm being consistent about it. (sort of important for a professional!)
Bu then came the sales session where I got to show them their images. Boy was I nervous. Would they love them? Hate them? They only wanted one image they could give to their families for Christmas. I had a sneaking suspicion (and hope) that it would be a tough choice.
They loved them. One of my favourites was one alone of her. She hates images of herself alone, but I saw this one and said to myself, "She's so pretty!" In the session, I told her as much. "Look how beautiful you are here!" The look on her husband's face told me he agreed!
The next step came ordering prints. After a couple missteps (won't make those mistakes again!), I had prints in my hand to give to her. Yes, I was nervous again. I was doubting myself, because at the end of the day, I am my own worst critic and I critique my images far more harshly than most people will. It was very easy to bring myself down.
Yesterday, I was going through the archives on a photography blog I love, and came across a vlog series on starting a photography business. The final one spoke to me in a real way and made me stop and think about why I was doubting myself and trying to see my work through the eyes of others. When I handed over the prints, my friend really liked them, and once again confirmed they would be ordering more with their families. That's huge!
I keep coming back to that session in my head and realizing that I was absolutely in my element. I have a lot to learn, but this is a part of what I want to do. I know small groups (families, couples etc.) are my niche. I can't, and won't do, weddings for the sheer stress and the fact that my chronic illness would hate me for it.
The details are coming together, and what I've realized is that as much as I desperately want to jump in with both feet, it's not an inexpensive profession! The start up costs are significant (at least for my husband and I who are living on the edge). Baby steps are needed here. It will come together, but I need to be patient.
Though, try telling inspiration to be patient. It's not as easy as it seems.
Sunday, September 23, 2012
Look What I Can Do!
K's new skill includes being able to get onto a 'big girl swing' all by herself. She understands that she needs to kick her legs, though the execution is in progress...
Thursday, August 2, 2012
Photo of the Week
I have been documenting my neighbourhood through the seasons and right now it has some wonderful things happening in it. A few minutes away from my flat is a tine community centre. To be honest I have no idea what happens there, other than it was used as a polling station in the last elections here in May. But it's undergone a change in the last year. It's been cleaned up and people have planted flowers and a small vegetable garden.
I was taking photos of this poppy and a little friend flew in to say hello. A few shots later and a little pep talk with the bumblebee to ask them to cooperate and we had this one:
This is where I can't wait to have my own outdoor space again. I miss having a few pots of flowers to brighten my day.
I was taking photos of this poppy and a little friend flew in to say hello. A few shots later and a little pep talk with the bumblebee to ask them to cooperate and we had this one:
This is where I can't wait to have my own outdoor space again. I miss having a few pots of flowers to brighten my day.
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