There have been many days in the last few weeks where I silent scream in my head, "Really? Seriously?" Yes, it's been that up and down for us and I have to admit to being rather tired of it all. But, the only way to cope it is to accept it and move on.
Or so I try.
The ever present uncertainty about what the next one to three years will look like for us is a significant piece of this, but I've come to realize a major point of growth: uncertainty is not stressing me out like it used to. Yes, I get irked, and even angry, but then I know that in much of that it's all out of my hands and there is nothing to do but wait for decisions to be made and information to be passed our way. And rather than tears or angry, I just sigh.
I find sighs lovely. Rather than an active action, it's a release, an exhale. It's an expressive way to admit that something is worthy of a reaction but that you just need let it go. More and more I'm beginning to not comment on a sigh as if it needs to be evaluated and just accept the gesture for it it is.
This of course is different than the forced sighs of someone trying to get another's attention. For me there is a difference when it's simply an instinctual reaction. Received bad news? Sigh. Feeling tired? Sigh.
Sighs don't have to be negative either. We can attach so many different emotions to a sigh and it's meaning changes entirely. Ever sighed in contentment? When I do, there is the slight smile on my face, a hint at the joy of something. Most often, contented feelings that trigger a sigh like that come from the simplest things.
My favourite has occurred several times today: K comes over wanting a brief snuggle. She leans into me with her arms open and I scoop her up into my lap. We hug, and my hand slowly rubs her back while I inhale her scent and kiss her head.